I have this thing where I’m unable to see the future. I struggle imagining myself at 40, or 30, or even in the next two months.

This consciousness came about around four years ago when I started college and suddenly had structure, movement and things to do. Since then I’ve lived every moment as fully as I could. I stay in the present as much as possible, I remember it all and honestly it has been fun. But when it comes to what will happen next, I’ve always carried the attitude of “we’ll see,” or in a more aphoristic way: que sera sera.

That mindset worked for me. It helped me move on quickly, avoid getting stuck looking back and keep living. But for the past couple of months, I’ve been struggling to hold onto that thought process, and I think I know why.

Recently, I actually thought about the future. It came through a dream where everything was going to hell. I was sad, desperate, the world around me was crumbling and I hated the feeling of it. When I woke up, and even later when I tried thinking about it positively, it just wouldn’t happen.

I realized something then, whenever I overthink about the future, it becomes terrifying. Whatever I imagine somehow ends in pain, loss or suffering. I think that’s part of why I struggle to think about the future at all.

Where this has led me is not entirely bad.

I live in the moment. I hold very little regret. I fantasize constantly about what my life could be, but I’ve noticed that even in those fantasies I rarely crave permanence. I’m always moving through places, people and situations instead of settling into them. Maybe that’s a subconscious reflection of how I approach real life too.

But none of that fully transfers into reality. There’s still a very thick line between fantasy and real life that keeps me grounded.

What does transfer into reality is this inability to think too far ahead. Thinking about the future for too long emotionally destabilizes me.

And it’s not that I don’t want connection, I do. But I tend to treat most things as possibilities rather than permanence. The idea of being 30, staying with the same person, building long term plans instead of constantly circling around them, those thoughts suddenly feel tied to sadness, fear and disappointment.

Possibility keeps me alive.

Because with possibility, anything can still happen within it. And when something finally starts becoming real, I tend to mentally simulate the painful outcomes long before they happen, almost like rehearsing disappointment in advance. Maybe that’s why reality rarely shocks me as much when it finally arrives, because somewhere in my head I had already prepared myself for it.

But all of this leading to the conclusion that I’d automatically be bad at relationships is honestly bullshit. Unless I’m actually in one, I wouldn’t know and that’s fine. I’m not going to sit around drowning in self guilt until I magically become some perfectly future oriented person.

What I am realizing is that it’s not about being shallow or incapable of depth. It’s that open ended emotional spaces feel safer to me right now than fixed ones do.

To end this mini, I just want to say that I haven’t changed. I still don’t know what the future holds. I still live with the same uncertainty I always have. I don’t know exactly when this belief that everything would eventually end badly started becoming attached to the future in my head, but at least now I understand a part of it.

I know now that whenever I think too far ahead, I can’t help but see sadness.

Dissecting why is for another day.

Que sera sera.