For the first time in almost four years, I don't really know what to do.

The last time I felt lost was different. I knew exactly what needed to be done, I just wasn't doing it. There was guilt attached to it, unfinished work sitting quietly in the back of my mind. This time it feels different. There are things pending of course but they don't bother me. I know they'll get done eventually.

The question isn't what I need to finish. It's simply, what now?

College is over. I've been working for the past seven months, and I genuinely enjoy it. There's no dramatic void after my farewell. Graduation hasn't happened yet but there is no sudden feeling that I've been thrown into the real world without direction. If anything, life is just different.

My sibling left for college, which means I have the room to myself. One thing I've started noticing is that I really enjoy putting things in order. I don't think it's obsessive, I think I just like seeing things the way they're supposed to be. That somehow led me to cleaning the walls of my room.

The room was originally painted blue, but over eighteen years it had slowly collected marks from chairs, tables, pens, dust and just everyday life. It never became disgusting, it simply stopped looking blue. One afternoon I grabbed a cloth, some water, and started wiping. To my surprise, underneath everything was the original colour. It's still faded from years of sunlight, but suddenly the room felt alive again.

A couple of months ago I did something similar with the wooden cupboard. It still had stickers we'd put on as kids and random marks we'd made growing up. I cleaned everything off. You can still see faint outlines of where they once were, Impressions of lives once lived. I have wood stain and some sort of polish lying around that I still haven't figured out how to use but I want to. I'd love to restore the wood and make it smooth and fresh again instead of replacing it.

While I was cleaning I decided to move my desk as well. That desk had been in exactly the same place for four years. Four years where almost every waking moment happened facing the same direction. Studying, writing, working, everything happened there. I really like where it is now, although a small part of me wonders if I moved it too soon.

My sibling also had a wall-mounted bookshelf that had slowly turned into a place where things were just put. They said I could reorganize it however I wanted, so I did. The books are now sorted by height, colour and type. The CDs that used to fall over all the time have been reduced to just a handful that actually look nice. I placed the two awards I received during my time in the college club, one glass and one wooden on display and later added some fairy lights around everything.

It's such a small thing, but every night when I switch those lights on, I find myself looking over at the shelf for a few seconds. There's still another cabinet I want to reorganize and a few shelves that could be cleaner but that's for another day.

As I'm writing this, I'm realizing something. I started this entry thinking I had nothing to do. But I do. Maybe the difference is that the things filling my days now aren't the same things that filled them a year ago.

On a much lighter note, I bought an 8BitDo Ultimate 2C Wireless controller and I love it.

I've been playing F1 2020 almost every evening after work and it's genuinely some of the most fun I've had playing a game in years. I finished an entire season on medium difficulty with a decent number of assists turned on and going into the second season I've started switching a few of them off while keeping things like traction control and ABS because that's simply more enjoyable for me.

It's not realistic, not even close. And I don't care.

If I wanted complete realism I'd drive a real car or spend an unreasonable amount of money building a proper simulator. That's not why I'm here. I'm playing because it's fun, and slowly introducing more realism over time feels much more rewarding than forcing myself into it from the start.

Oddly enough, I still can't play GTA V with a controller because years of keyboard and mouse have completely rewired my brain. But I'm looking forward to trying FIFA, some of the newer F1 games for the updated tracks, and whatever else my PC can comfortably run. It's nice having something that's purely for enjoyment.

Looking back, I think I understand why I felt like I had nothing to do.

For 4 years my life had a rhythm that barely changed. College, Club work, Projects, Writing, Repeat. Somewhere along the past few months that rhythm quietly disappeared and instead my days became filled with lots of smaller things. Cleaning a room, Rearranging shelves, Restoring old furniture, Playing games after work and writing because I want to instead of because I feel like I should.

I still write my Formula One pieces. I still write about films and shows whenever I feel like it. None of those things disappeared. They're just no longer the only things that define my time.

My spirit hasn't disappeared. If anything, this feels like the next chapter.

Full speed ahead.